Heart-wrenching Cases of Abuse: How a Young Woman on H-4 Visa was Harassed and Abused by her Husband and Family 

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is held each October since 1981 as a national “Day of Unity” to unite advocates across the nation in their efforts to end domestic violence.

As I have previously written about domestic violence among the H-4 visa holders, I get routine calls from young women on dependent visas, and sometimes their parents who are eager to share their sad stories. It is ironic that, on the one hand, this year celebrates the 30th anniversary of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA); on the other, more and more young women feel shattered by enduring domestic violence. 

Based on heart-wrenching personal stories of H-4 and H-1B visa holders, I want to bring awareness to the issue of domestic abuse of women and make a sincere appeal to India and the United States immigration services that enough information is shared with these young brides about laws related to H-4 visa holders, their support system, allies, and some crash lessons on what to expect in a foreign country when they arrive. I make an appeal justice is served to these women who marry with great hope and expectation but become a shame for themselves and their families. 

Anita S. (name changed for privacy and legal reasons), a wife on an H-4 visa, sent me a message on Linked In. “Madam, I have been harassed and abused by my husband and his family for the last three years since I got married in June 2021,” she wrote.  She wanted to share her story so that the state and society in India and the United States would listen to women like her and validate her story over the dominant voices like her husband and in-laws promoting patriarchal norms and traditions. Without the stringent H-4 visa policies and patriarchal norms still pervading among the Indian Americans that made her husband control her life, Anita would not have been forced to return to India, being broken, violated, and a burden to her older parents.

The spouses of highly skilled foreign workers on H1-B visas are entitled to an H-4 visa here. About 500,000 people are on H1-B, and 80% are from India. Their wives, the dependent H-4 visa holders, most of whom are highly educated and were working before immigration, have come to this country as dependents and are not allowed to work. They become economically, socially, and psychologically dependent on their husbands. In 2015, only a specific category of H-4 visas whose spouses have already filed for permanent residency have become eligible for receiving employment authorization (EAD). However, the EAD status can only be sponsored by the H1-B visa holders.

In 2020, a vivacious 28-year-old Anita and her family met her husband and family through Bharat Matrimony, a matrimonial site based in India. With a degree in engineering, she worked at the TCS, Hyderabad. The groom, S. Kumar (not his real name), worked as a network infrastructure engineer on an H1-B visa in West Des Moines, Iowa. He came to the U.S. about 13 year ago for his masters at Wichita State University in Kansas. 

After several conversations, both families agreed to the marriage, and then came the issue of dowry. Her family was reluctant, but the groom, convinced her there would be no dowry. Since he got his I140 (he was getting a green card), he would sponsor her EAD status so she could work here.  They got married on Aug, 26, 2021. Anita said they paid the groom Rs. 3.5 lakhs or over $4,ooo, 250 grams of gold, and 1 kg of silver. 

“My mother-in-law was extremely controlling,” Anita told me. “She kept me occupied with household chores and didn’t allow me to go outside alone.” She required Anita to take a head bath half of the week and also, during her menstrual periods, was not allowed to come out of her room. “She body-shamed me, calling me fat, and snatched my phone while I was speaking to my office. My husband was distant and only spent time with me at night, as dictated by my mother-in-law.” 

This may not be an exception. Several young professional women who shared their stories with me, validate the controlling nature of the mother-in-law interfering in their marriages, even long distance. A psychotherapist who works with many H1B visa holders in the IT sector, shares that  “these young men who have moved away from their homes and try to fit in the fast paced society, may be socially isolated and eccentric, and emotionally dependent on their mothers.”

Anita comes from a middle-class family, who rely on her father’s pension. Her only sister is disabled. Before marriage, she supported her family financially. In urban India, women are encouraged to study science and engineering and work in the corporate sector. In their late twenties, they experience family pressure to get married and cope with societal expectations. 

Online matrimonial sites showcase dollar-earning H-1 B visa holders. The bride’s families hardly get to know the groom, and the wedding occurs based on smartphone communication between the bride and groom. One parent told me, “We had no way of knowing the groom’s habits as we had never met him.” 

Emotional and Physical Strain After Moving to the U.S.

Three months after marriage, on December 13, 2021, Anita joined her husband here. The dowry issue came up repeatedly, which strained her relationship with her husband. Even though he was working for two companies between August 2021 and June 2022, he would not buy her any personal items like napkins or moisturizer. “Every girl gets her items from India,” he would tell her, “making me feel embarrassed and unsupported even for my basic needs,” Anita said. 

Her mother-in-law, who lived in India, dictated her life and asked her to perform every Hindu festival according to her instructions. “I made rangolis, kept the house clean every day, and cooked for my husband. I used to follow her orders in all matters,” she said. But, “my husband’s communication with his mother overshadowed our relationship,” she added. She felt isolated without any physical and emotional warmth from her husband. 

Multiple Factors in H4- Visas

Anita hoped to apply for her H-4 EAD, but her husband never did. “Whenever I tried to discuss the EAD or his priorities regarding having a child, he would yell at me multiple times,” she recalled. Even the wives of Kumar’s friends who were on H-4 were not supportive, she said. They would say, “Your husband has a house. What is your problem?,” she said. 

The patriarchal mindset of the community was daunting. Anita felt physically used by her husband and had no support from the community.

Just after a couple of months, in December 2021, Anita had to return to India to get her H-4 visa stamped. Her in-laws tortured her, and the husband was of no help. Her parents contacted president of the Secunderabad Viswa Karma Sangam, and requested his help resolving these family issues. The Sangam asked her to compromise, and the meeting escalated the tension between her family and in-laws, who were insulted that their family pride was being publicly challenged.

On Nov. 20, 2022, Anita returned to the U.S. to live with her husband. He would always blame her for the Sangam incident. He expressed concerns that he had lost trust in her and could no longer be as happy as before. “He often reacted angrily to minor issues and labeled me very negative.”

Satyen L’s 2018 study examines Indian women’s experiences of abuse (physical, sexual, and psychological) and controlling behavior across 31 countries by examining the relationship between the patriarchal beliefs held by the women’s partners and the women’s experience of domestic violence. The authors hypothesized that a more fantastic endorsement of patriarchal beliefs by a woman’s partner would predict a greater occurrence of abuse and controlling behavior during their relationship. 

In the meantime, Anita had lost her job in India, and her company asked her to pay as a fine of Rs. 1.85 lakhs. She was financially struggling at the time, and her sister had just been admitted to the hospital for hip replacement surgery, so she asked Kumar to book a ticket for her to return to India. However, he did not. So, earlier this year, on June 23, her father had to take a loan to book her ticket o Hyderabad. But since her return to India, her husband has cut off communication with her.

Anita has approached the NRI Cell of the Women Safety Wing in Hyderabad, which has been recently introduced for such cases of abuse, desertion, and abandonment of NRI spouses. She says they politely accepted her complaint but would insist on reconciliation, which she did not want to do. 

Anita has filed a complaint at the local police station in Alwal, Secunderabad, regarding emotional abuse and harassment by her husband and in-laws. In retaliation, her husband’s family has filed a complaint against her. Now, she feels frustrated. The legal route is uncertain, expensive, and humiliating. She realizes she has already spent the prime of her life on this fight. Can she handle any more?

Anita currently resides with her parents in Hyderabad. She feels unsupported, emotionally distressed, and uncertain about her future. She has lost her job while stabilizing her marriage and is left without financial support. 

My narrative, based on the personal experience of the victims of abuse, suggests that these highly educated professional women are allured to marry outside the country based on the job status of the grooms advertised through the matrimonial sites. Once they marry, conflicts ensue, starting with in-laws. When they move to the U.S., they sadly realize that they hardly know the man they have married and are shocked by the lifestyle, life choices, and interests of these men. 

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Annapurna Devi Pandey teaches Cultural Anthropology at the University of California, Santa Cruz. She holds a Ph.D. in sociology from Jawaharlal Nehru University, New Delhi, and was a postdoctoral fellow in social anthropology at Cambridge University, the U.K. Her current research interests include diaspora studies, South Asian religions, and immigrant women’s identity-making in the diaspora in California. In 2017-18 she received a Fulbright scholarship for fieldwork in India. Dr. Pandey is also an accomplished documentary filmmaker. Her 2018 award-winning documentary “Road to Zuni,” dealt with the importance of oral traditions among Native Americans.