Intentional Intimacy is the Solution to Disengagement in a Relationship, Particularly Among Indian Couples

Rohan and Priya have been married for a little more than three decades now. They are both first-generation immigrants who came from India to make a life in the U.S. Both were deeply in love with each other and their marriage was passionate. Two years into their marriage when they had their first child, Priya who was a rising corporate star asked her parents to come over to help her raise her baby. The parents never left. Three decades, three kids and a dog later, Priya’s life is insanely busy between her work, aging parents, and grandchildren. Rohan took up golf a few years ago and spends most of his time and weekends with his golfing buddies.

Zach and Nicole have been dating for about a decade now. They are a young couple in their 20s. Zach is very extroverted with a huge network of friends. The couple has a variety of interests and hobbies. Zach is also extremely into social media and he usually posts several times a day on his various social media accounts. The couple was constantly attending events, and parties, traveling to destination weddings and having a very hectic social life. Then the pandemic hit and the couple was stuck at home. The lockdown was very hard on them — especially on Nicole who found that left to themselves, they did not have much to say to one another. They were bored, depressed and occasionally short with one another. Both sets of parents have been pressuring the couple about moving to the next stage of the relationship but Nicole feels a lot of anxiety thinking about it.

Luke and David are a gay couple who have been together for over two decades. David a serial entrepreneur, is passionate about technology and can talk about it for hours. In his 70s now, David is on to his 8th start-up. When he is not working, David is busy in his garage doing woodwork which is his other passion. Luke after several attempts at trying to address the issues in their marriage has now become part of a hiking club. He travels all over the world with this club and has formed many friendships there. The couple owns many properties all over the world and they all are empty. Luke’s diaries are filled with memories of loneliness and abandonment.

What is the common thread in all these stories? They all point to the most dangerous problem in long-term relationships — the covert betrayal of disengagement. Brene Brown, an author known for her research on shame, vulnerability, and leadership, astutely articulates that this covert betrayal is “crazy-making” because there isn’t a single event to pinpoint. There is no affair, no avoidance of any responsibilities, no fighting, and no substance abuse. Both people involved are kind, decent, and caring human beings. Then what is the problem? If I took these stories to my grandmother she would ask, “Does he hit you? Does he cheat on you? Does he not have a job? Does he drink?” No!!!! “So, what is your freaking problem? This is why we should have never sent you to America. They have filled your head with nonsense” 

The Indian cultural conditioning dictates that once you have children, then it is all about them, followed by caring for aging parents, and then eventually grandchildren. While these are noble responsibilities, very often what gets sacrificed is the couple’s relationship. The couple forgets what brought them together in the first place.

The problem is that the couple has stopped seeing each other as a man or a woman with feelings, desires, passions, dreams, hurts, and ideas. They may be caring individuals but they have stopped caring about each other or their relationship. There is a third wheel in the relationship — whether it is parents, children, work, or addiction to social media, all of which distract the couple from each other. Disengagement in long-term relationships has the following symptoms:

· Not caring

· Letting the connection go

· Not willing to devote time and effort to the relationship

· Not investing

· Not paying attention

· Not fighting for the relationship

· Not having anything in common

· Complete lack of mutual attunement

· Lack of intimacy of any kind

Most often than not, one in the couple eventually realizes this and has a hard time articulating what is missing. When they approach their spouse or partner with their vulnerability, they are met with dismissiveness. Such an experience can often trigger feelings of shame, betrayal, and/or abandonment.

This kind of covert betrayal is very rampant in my Indian culture. I have hardly seen any exceptions to it back home. The cultural conditioning dictates that once you have children, then it is all about them, followed by caring for aging parents, and then eventually grandchildren. While these are noble responsibilities, very often what gets sacrificed is the couple’s relationship. The couple forgets what brought them together in the first place. Without each other, there would be no kids, family, home, or life. The couple is the foundational beam of a family. When the beams are strong, they can bear the weight of several floors. But when the beams become shaky and the foundation starts rotting, then the building tends to collapse when more and more weight is put on it.

When couples lose track of one another and disengage over the years, they are reduced to just playing the various roles of caretaking. Brene rightly points out that for many of us, role-playing becomes unbearable during mid-life. It is at this point, that I find many people seeking help from me. Sometimes they come for individual work; other times they come seeking couples counseling. Whatever it is, I find my clients often feel so angry, rageful, regretful, lonely, despondent, helpless, and hopeless thinking about all the time lost and not feeling optimistic about the future. They feel like their marriage is a lost cause and perhaps it is too late to salvage it.

Disengagement in long-term relationships is like the long-term effect of small “t” traumas — the trauma of everyday life. It has been compared to the slow cooking of lobster. By the time the lobster realizes it is getting cooked, it is too late. This is often the case of covert betrayals in long-term relationships. By the time one of them realizes that they are missing something, it can seem like an insurmountable chasm. 

One of the ways to avoid this covert betrayal is to be intentional about an “intimacy plan.” Couples need to intentionally schedule time for intimacy on a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual basis. They need a system of regular check-in on how they are doing as a couple. They need to hold each other accountable if they are slipping and catch the problem early on. Clients of mine who have implemented such changes find how effective they become in dealing with life’s many stressors. They have a feeling of “us” versus the world. As I often say “there is no I in the team.” Brene Brown summarizes the essentials for long-term relationships as having the following values:

· Vulnerability

· Love

· Humor

· Respect

· Shame-free fighting

· Blame-free living.

Identify the covert betrayal of disengagement in your relationships as early as possible and take corrective action. It’s an investment in your long-term health and well-being. In the end, happiness is all about healthy relationships with ourselves, others and the world.

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Vinutha Mohan is a California-based licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in trauma. Before her avatar as a therapist, she spent over 15 years in the corporate world.