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They Couldn’t Talk About Sexual Assault Because Premarital Sex is Taboo Among Us

They Couldn’t Talk About Sexual Assault Because Premarital Sex is Taboo Among Us

  • The deep shame and guilt that comes from disappointing your parents is a generational weight young people in the South Asian community carry.

The following article contains accounts of rape and emotional abuse. 

It’s necessary to redefine how we view South Asian sexual assault survivors and create a space for them, by changing the conversation around it. Many times, we diminish the people behind their traumatic stories to just that, their stories. But there are real people with real families, real friends, real likes and dislikes, real passions and real dreams behind these stories. 

They deserve to be heard.  

The accounts below have been approved to be shared by the two survivors themselves, names have been changed to secure anonymity.

When No Should Mean No

She was 16. Her first boyfriend had cheated on her because she said she didn’t want to have sex. Jordan was her second boyfriend. They dated for a little over one year, and it was an emotionally abusive relationship. He was very controlling and didn’t like it when she hung out with her friends. In her sexual relationship with him there would be times she wouldn’t want to do anything. They would start being intimate and she would want to stop, but he would say no, “you have to finish me off.” When they had sex, she would want to stop and would ask him to stop, but he would keep going. 

The time that really made her realize what was happening was wrong, was when she was in a bad mood and she was vocal about not wanting to have sex, but he wouldn’t get off of her. She said, “please get off of me,” she tried pushing him off, but he said, “no I’m finishing” and continued. In the beginning when they were engaging in sexual acts, she thought it was a girlfriend’s responsibility to “help,” but when it came to him forcing himself on her she realized it was rape.

She tried breaking up with him over the course of two to three months, but he continued the severe emotional abuse by making suicidal threats. Through extreme guilt and worry she stayed with him on and off until he gave up threatening her. She blocked him on all streams, so he started reaching out to her younger sister. After the final break up he lied about having cancer to guilt her into staying with him. He went so far to buzz cut his hair and send a picture of himself to her sister saying he had been going through chemo. 

She has clinical depression, and this relationship only made it worse. She distanced herself from her friends and isolated herself. She felt like there wasn’t a purpose, but a silver lining that got her through some of her darkest moments was a fan based social media account she had. She felt there was a community of people she could talk to about her life with no judgments since they didn’t know her. She met one of her closest friends there to this day. 

Rape happens in relationships, as well as sexual and emotional abuse. It’s important to teach this so we know when and how to walk away, it’s important to teach consent and the meaning of no.

She only shared what had happened to her in her relationship with her sister after it had ended and an older cousin but didn’t want to tell anyone else in her family because of how sex is viewed in her culture. Her mom knew she had a boyfriend but didn’t want her to have one. “Sex was a topic, but it wasn’t,” nobody really sat her down and talked about it. She was told to stay as pure as she could, to stay a virgin until she was married. 

She finally found the strength to speak about it her freshman year of college and ended up rekindling her high school friendships. Her friends understood and had no idea what she had gone through. Since everybody knew each other in her community, it put a lot of pressure on her to share because everyone knows who you are. Her culture is very similar to the South Asian culture, and she “hopes our generation changes this,” changes the way we talk about sex educationally, and proactively. 

In this account, romantic relationships were not condoned. How could she feel comfortable coming forward with the emotional and sexual manipulation happening in a relationship she wasn’t even supposed to have? How was she supposed to recognize the emotional abuse when she wasn’t taught what a healthy relationship looks like?

We’ve failed our youth in educating them on who has a right to their body and who doesn’t, even if they’re in a relationship. Rape happens in relationships, as well as sexual and emotional abuse. It’s important to teach this so we know when and how to walk away, it’s important to teach consent and the meaning of no. If we find ourselves in a scary situation, we should have the correct avenues and resources to turn to, instead of closing the door of communication which is a bridge necessary to living an open and healthy life. 

The Anatomy of Date Rape

She was 20. He messaged her on social media and asked her to hang out. Over the next 3-4 months, they would hang out and go on dates. He didn’t try to pull any moves. She started noticing some strange behavior like he would sound suspicious while texting her, wouldn’t want to hang out in public places, or in places many people they knew would be, but she didn’t think much of that. On her birthday, he showed up with flowers. She was surprised as he was older and didn’t think he would come. He asked her to sleep over that night, but she made it clear that she didn’t have sex with people she wasn’t dating. 

She had only had sex with one person who was her ex. He said that was completely fine, but she was still uncertain because it would be after a night out. He reassured her it would be fine, and they would just hang out. She could sleep on the bed and he’d sleep on the couch. She had no reason to not believe him and called him to pick her up at the end of the night. Although she didn’t know it at the time, he was also drunk and drove them both back to his place in that state. She was going to sleep, and he was lying next to her. She thought that was fine as maybe they’ll just cuddle. Next thing she knew; he was on top of her. She asked him what he was doing? He said, “no it’s fine, it’ll feel really good.” She froze. He didn’t have a condom on and she told him it was hurting and to get off, but he wouldn’t stop. She was in and out of sleep and he thought she wouldn’t notice so he would get on top of her again. 

She woke up the next morning naked and confused. He was being super loving and nice in the morning and because she couldn’t remember clearly, she couldn’t figure out whether what had happened was rape. She took a plan B the next morning even though she had just gotten her period. The pharmacist told her that if she had gotten her period, she didn’t need to take it, but because she was scared, she still took it. Her assailant didn’t speak to her for 2 weeks after, and when she bumped into him again, he said she should come over. One day they were studying, he made a joke about her not being able to “handle” him.

So many people she knew revered him as ‘a legend,’ he was a popular guy, and was thought of highly by many. This contributed to her feeling invalidated, who would believe her? She had shared this incident with two of her friends, and an aunt she’s really close to. Although her aunt is more traditional, she was very supportive. But she said don’t report this, because it’ll be a bigger thing and her parents will be embarrassed. She didn’t talk to her parents about it, because she knew they would say things along the lines of, “we told you not to drink, told you not to wear short clothes, we told you to commute.” She also knew that if this had gotten out in her community, her parents would have been embarrassed of people talking a certain way about her. She was scared to think of what the conversation would have been.  

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She mentioned to a boyfriend she had after about the incident and recognized that because he had never experienced talking to a girl about this issue, he didn’t know how to approach it. She also had a difficult time navigating the conversation because she hadn’t fully processed the assault herself. Due to this, and since her assailant was someone who was deemed as “cool,” he brushed the matter off.

The Insatiable Predator

She didn’t find the courage to speak up about this until she saw another girl had posted about her experience with the same predator. Once she saw there were more survivors than her, she decided to use her voice. Three girls messaged her saying they had similar experiences as her when they saw her post. She eventually found out a multitude of women had gone through this with him. She wants to use her voice and wants to be an advocate but is afraid of what her parents will feel if they found out she is a survivor.

It’s necessary to point out that these survivors don’t need extra cultural shame and guilt from how sex is viewed in the South Asian community.

In this account, her parents’ fear of what other people will say and think stopped her from sharing. The deep shame and guilt that comes from disappointing your parents is a generational weight people in the South Asian community have had to carry. It’s necessary to point out that these survivors don’t need extra cultural shame and guilt from how sex is viewed in the South Asian community. She also didn’t know about Plan B, but like most of us had a general idea that if you want to make sure you don’t get pregnant you take it the next morning. 

Even though she had gotten her period, the fear of the unknown forced her to take something that she didn’t need, and most likely did not know the side effects include nausea/vomiting, abdominal pain, tiredness, dizziness, changes in vaginal bleeding, breast tenderness, diarrhea, or that headache may occur. The trauma she had to put her body through to achieve peace of mind could have potentially been met another way. We are complicit in creating characters in our lives like the boyfriend who didn’t take the matter seriously instead of him recognizing what his girlfriend had gone through. The lack of education doesn’t just harm the victim during the assault, but by the bystanders as well.

In the South Asian community, it’s thought if we teach our youth about sex, they will engage in those acts. So, it’s completely ignored. What is truly ignored is by not educating our youth, we are taking away knowledge of what to do when we find ourselves in a difficult position. We are taking away knowledge of who has a right to our body. We are depriving education on how to be a supportive friend or partner. We are taking away the necessary means of help for South Asian survivors. 

We are pushing people of our own community into a corner and harming them more than anything. We’ve failed our youth in confiding in our community, because of what other people will say and think. Another aspect the South Asian community refuses to acknowledge is the mental health effects sexual assault has on people, or mental health in general. There are real people behind these accounts, who deserve a lot more from the communities that were supposed to protect them. 


Aditi Sinha is an avid reader who is determined to champion positive change, especially for women’s health. New Jersey-based Aditi loves learning new ways to help her community. And she loves dancing and watching movies. @aditixsinha.

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