If You’re a South Asian Survivor of Domestic Violence, Seeking Help Doesn’t Make You a Bad Wife Or a Daughter. It Makes You Brave

At the heart of the domestic violence movement lies a profound commitment: to help survivors reclaim the power that abuse stripped away. This isn’t about outsiders swooping in with solutions or ultimatums. It’s about walking alongside someone as they find their own way forward, respecting their choices, and providing the resources they need to rebuild their lives on their own terms.

The Foundation of Empowerment

True empowerment begins with a simple but revolutionary act: listening. When someone reaches out for help, the most powerful questions aren’t “Why don’t you just leave?” but rather “What do you want? What do you need right now? How can we support you to feel safe and in control again?”

This survivor-centered approach recognizes a difficult truth—that the person living through the abuse understands their situation better than anyone else. They know the warning signs in their partner’s voice, the risks of leaving, the complexities of their financial situation, and what their children need. Pressuring them to make decisions on someone else’s timeline doesn’t just disrespect their autonomy; it can actually increase their danger.

Instead, advocates offer non-judgmental support, refusing to criticize a survivor’s choices even when those choices are hard to understand from the outside. If someone decides to stay with or return to an abusive partner, they need support, not shame. Healing and leaving are processes, not single events. Some survivors need to leave multiple times before they can stay away permanently. Each attempt teaches them something new about their own strength.

The goal is to help survivors see themselves as capable and powerful. Advocates encourage them, acknowledge their strengths, and help them recognize how their own efforts lead to success. Over time, survivors become their own most powerful advocates.

Rebuilding the Foundation

Abuse often destroys more than emotional well-being—it systematically dismantles a person’s ability to function independently. Financial abuse leaves survivors without access to money or with ruined credit. Isolation cuts them off from friends and family who might help. Fear keeps them trapped, unsure where they could go or how they would survive.

Empowerment strategies address all these dimensions simultaneously. Safety planning comes first—creating detailed, personalized plans for emergency situations, identifying safe places to store important documents, and establishing escape routes if needed. Crisis hotlines, emergency shelters, and legal advocates stand ready to help survivors obtain protective orders and navigate dangerous moments.

Financial independence often requires extensive rebuilding. Survivors need education about managing money, resources to repair or build credit, and access to workforce training. Programs like the National Network to End Domestic Violence’s Independence Program provide microlending specifically designed to help survivors establish financial footing.

Housing represents another critical piece. Survivors need access to confidential emergency shelters where they can catch their breath, transitional housing as they plan their next steps, and eventually assistance finding long-term independent housing. Local shelters work with state coalitions and government assistance programs to create pathways from crisis to stability.

Legal advocacy provides both practical and emotional support through intimidating court proceedings—custody battles, protective orders, and other legal processes that can feel overwhelming. Having someone who understands the system and provides moral support can make the difference between accessing justice and being retraumatized by the process itself.

Perhaps most importantly, survivors need help combating the isolation that abuse creates. Abusers deliberately cut their victims off from support networks, knowing that isolation increases control. Rebuilding community connections through peer support groups and community organizations helps survivors remember they’re not alone.

Healing the Invisible Wounds

The psychological and emotional damage from abuse can be as devastating as any physical injury, yet it often goes unaddressed. Professional counseling—both individual and group therapy—helps survivors process trauma, cope with symptoms like PTSD, and develop healthier ways of thinking about themselves and relationships.

Group therapy offers something particularly powerful: the validation that comes from sharing your story with others who truly understand. In these spaces, survivors realize their experiences aren’t unique, their responses aren’t crazy, and their pain is legitimate.

Self-care practices might sound simple, but they represent profound acts of reclaiming ownership over one’s own body and mind. Controlled breathing exercises, physical movement, creative expression—these activities help reduce stress and reinforce that survivors have the right to prioritize their own well-being.

Throughout this process, survivors need to hear one message repeatedly: what happened to them was not their fault. The abuse was a choice the abuser made, not something the survivor caused or deserved.

Understanding the Trap

The cycle of abuse is insidious precisely because it’s cyclical. It typically moves through predictable stages: tension building, the abusive incident, reconciliation (often called the “honeymoon phase”), and calm. During the honeymoon phase, the abuser may apologize profusely, promise to change, shower the victim with affection, or even seek counseling. This creates hope—maybe this time will be different, maybe the person I fell in love with is really back.

But the honeymoon phase is a tool of control, not genuine change. The cycle will repeat, often escalating over time. Breaking free requires understanding this pattern and taking deliberate, safety-conscious steps.

The Journey to Freedom

The first step toward breaking the cycle is recognition—accepting that the abuse isn’t isolated incidents but a pattern of behavior. Survivors need to identify the signs of an abusive relationship, which often begin subtly with control, manipulation, and isolation rather than overt violence. Understanding the nature of the cycle itself—that the honeymoon phase is deliberate manipulation—helps survivors stop blaming themselves and start planning.

Safety planning comes next, and it’s paramount whether the survivor intends to leave immediately or not. Working with domestic violence professionals, survivors create detailed plans: where to store important documents, money, keys, and medications; where to go and how to get there if they need to leave quickly; code words to alert trusted people they’re in danger without the abuser knowing.

Professional support breaks through the isolation that serves as the abuser’s most powerful weapon. Calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline or connecting with a local shelter provides access to confidential advice, local resources, and help refining safety plans. Advocates understand the complexity of these situations and won’t judge or pressure.

Building a support network of trusted friends, family, or therapists creates a lifeline. These people offer consistent support, listen without judgment, and provide reality checks when the survivor starts doubting their own perceptions. Starting therapy—individual or group—provides essential coping skills and guidance. Couples counseling, however, is never appropriate during active abuse, as it requires vulnerability that an abuser will weaponize.

If a survivor decides to leave, the exit must be planned carefully with professional support. This is the most dangerous time for a victim—violence often escalates when an abuser senses they’re losing control. Material readiness means having a packed bag stashed safely outside the home. Timing matters; advocates can help determine the safest moment and method to leave. Once away, survivors need immediate connections to housing, job services, and legal protection to help ensure they can stay away permanently.

A Note on Cultural Context

Different communities face unique barriers when seeking help for domestic violence. For South Asian survivors, these challenges can be particularly complex and deeply rooted in cultural expectations, family dynamics, and community structures.

In many South Asian communities, the concept of family honor (*izzat*) carries immense weight. Survivors often face pressure to protect the family’s reputation at all costs, with domestic violence viewed as a private family matter that should never be disclosed to outsiders. Speaking out about abuse may be seen as bringing shame not just to oneself, but to parents, siblings, and extended family. This cultural imperative to maintain appearances can make reaching out for help feel like an impossible betrayal.

Joint Family Systems and Extended Family Involvement

The traditional joint family structure means that abuse may involve not just an intimate partner, but in-laws and extended family members as well. Mothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, or other relatives may participate in or enable the abuse, making it difficult to identify safe family members to confide in. Survivors may face pressure from multiple family members to tolerate abuse, be more obedient, or try harder to make the marriage work.

Marriage as Sacred and Permanent

South Asian cultures often emphasize marriage as a sacred, lifelong commitment that should be preserved regardless of circumstances. Divorce carries significant stigma, particularly for women, who may be viewed as “damaged” or unmarriageable if they leave. Parents may worry that a daughter’s divorce will affect marriage prospects for siblings. Religious and cultural teachings about a wife’s duty to her husband and family can be weaponized to justify enduring abuse as a form of virtue or sacrifice.

Immigration and Legal Vulnerability

For South Asian immigrants, additional layers of complexity emerge. Survivors may be dependent on an abusive spouse for immigration status, fearing deportation or separation from children if they seek help. Language barriers can make accessing services difficult, and unfamiliarity with the legal system may leave survivors uncertain about their rights. Some may distrust law enforcement due to negative experiences in their home countries or fear that involving authorities will result in their partner’s deportation, creating guilt and family backlash.

Financial Dependence and Limited Work Experience

Cultural expectations may mean that South Asian women, in particular, have limited work experience outside the home or education that translates to the U.S. job market. Financial abuse is compounded by these factors, making economic independence seem impossible. Survivors may have never controlled money, maintained a bank account, or understood credit systems, leaving them wholly dependent on their abusers.

Religious and Community Leader Involvement

Survivors often turn first to religious or community leaders for guidance, but these leaders may lack training in domestic violence dynamics. Well-meaning religious counselors might emphasize forgiveness, patience, and preservation of the marriage without understanding the danger involved. Some may minimize abuse or suggest the survivor pray more, be more obedient, or simply tolerate the situation. This religious gaslighting can be devastating, making survivors feel that their faith requires them to endure harm.

Isolation Within and Outside the Community

Abusers in South Asian communities may deliberately isolate their victims by controlling contact with both the ethnic community and mainstream American society. Survivors may be prevented from learning English, obtaining driver’s licenses, or forming friendships outside the home. This dual isolation—cut off from both cultural community and broader support systems—creates profound vulnerability.

Cultural Adaptation and Intergenerational Conflict

For families navigating acculturation, tensions between traditional values and American norms can exacerbate abuse. Abusers may use “cultural tradition” to justify controlling behavior, while simultaneously preventing family members from integrating into American society. Second-generation survivors may face particular challenges as they navigate conflicting cultural expectations and feel torn between communities.

Culturally Responsive Support

Recognizing these unique barriers, several organizations provide culturally specific services for South Asian survivors:

– **Apna Ghar** (Chicago) and **Sakhi for South Asian Women** (New York) offer multilingual advocacy, counseling, legal services, and shelter specifically designed for South Asian survivors
– **Manavi** (New Jersey) and **Maitri** (San Francisco Bay Area) provide culturally sensitive support, understanding the specific pressures South Asian survivors face
– **Narika** (Bay Area) offers services for South Asian women dealing with domestic violence and immigration issues
– Many communities have South Asian domestic violence task forces that connect survivors with culturally competent therapists, lawyers, and advocates who understand both the culture and the legal system

These organizations understand that effective support means honoring cultural identity while clearly naming abuse as unacceptable regardless of cultural context. They can navigate conversations with family members, connect survivors with South Asian therapists who understand cultural nuances, and provide advocacy that respects religious and cultural values while prioritizing safety.

A Critical Message

No culture, religion, or tradition justifies abuse. While respecting and honoring South Asian heritage and values, it’s essential to recognize that domestic violence is never acceptable—not as a cultural practice, not as a religious duty, not as family tradition. True cultural values emphasize respect, dignity, and care for all family members. Abuse distorts and weaponizes culture; leaving abuse doesn’t mean abandoning your culture or betraying your community. It means refusing to let abuse masquerade as tradition.

If you’re a South Asian survivor, know that seeking help doesn’t make you a bad daughter, wife, mother, or community member. It makes you brave. You deserve safety, respect, and dignity—and there are people who understand your specific situation and are ready to support you.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Top image, courtesy of South Asian American Policy and Research Institute.

See Also

Auteur Par Excellence: Remembering Shyam Benegal Who Brought Social Realism to Indian Cinema

Amy Ghosh is a Los Angeles-based Attorney at Law, specializing in Immigration Law, Family Law, and Employment Law, among others. She can be reached at: amygesq@gmail.com